The only cancer in our family is weakness

"He might not have long. you have to be mentally prepared.. Adik faham tak?"

"yes."

I took a walk along the hospital pathways just to clear my head and tilted my head to the sky.

 Don't cry, be strong. don't cry, be strong. 

I bought a packet of tiger biscuits at the sundry shop and sat alone on a bench in the park. 

One minute my mind was empty and calm, the other it relapses to darkness and I feel so weak. 

With my forehead in my palm and stuffing biskuat into my mouth, I felt the tears coming. 

then I made myself laugh;

"biskuat is such a lame pun." 

The doctors were working on him. My sisters were miles away and my mum had to turn in to work.

I was alone. 

hundreds of people walked along the bench where I sat but I still felt so alone.

"Other people have it worse than me" 

a friend once told me. I smiled at him when he said that, for his life was like a never ending series of unfortunate events.

"Think of the kids in Africa" 

Is his favourite line :)

and I did. I thought about the starving kids, about those who never got the chance to say goodbye, about those who don't have dads. 

When I went back up to his room, I saw him on his bed with an oxygen mask.

He has a tube, kind of like a pipe in his trachea.

He looked so calm, so serene yet so worn out and frail.

Seeing him like this makes me so weak, I hated it.

My mum rushed from work to see him. 

Seeing my mum cry while kissing my father on his forehead was heartbreaking,

My dad looked into my mum's eyes and he shaked his head.

We both understood what he meant by this.

"I'm going to die."

I pray to god none of my friends ever have to go through this.

I'm proud of myself because I did not cry today. As much as I wanted to, I didn't.

everything happens for a reason. 

My dad got cancer for a reason. 

God gave it to him for a reason.

I don't go around crying "kenapa ayah aku ya Allah, kenapa dia?"

so yeah, I don't have to be mentally prepared because I already am. 

7 years of  seeing someone you love go into chemo, 7 years of sending him to the hospital, 7 years of praying so hard, Imagine not hearing your father's voice until you forgot how he sounded like? (cancer of the larynx, it disrupted his vocal chords) 

 heck I'm as mentally prepared as you'll ever be!

Hi, I'm Hidayah and I'm strong.

see ya. 

and pray for me, thanks :)